Blindsided. Totally blindsided. That's how I felt.
I had managed to (sort of) forget all about the increasingly frustrating wait for some response from my birth mother. I sent off the letter, and planned to give her some space. Of course, I was starting to think it was time to send her another note, but still, I was learning patience.
I had even gotten to the point that I didn't think about it every minute. This is a busy time of year, and I'm job hunting, too, so I have lots to keep me busy. It isn't like I think about being adopted, and all the feelings that go along with it, all the time. There are many moments - most moments - when I'm just doing what I have to do, what we all have to do to be in the world.
Then, out of the blue, TWICE IN ONE DAY, something jumped up and punched me right in the gut. One was small and not anyone's fault. The other one - not so much.
I was watching a movie. It was just a movie - a Hallmark Channel movie - and it wasn't really about anything that should have affected me. I had even checked out the plot on IMDB and made sure there were no dying children or tortured animals. Yes, I actually do this - checking out movies ahead of time - and I won't apologize for it. I have been burned by movies that have made me feel so badly for DAYS afterward, and I can't deal with it. My real life is challenging enough;I'm looking for happy endings, people, so sue me.
Anyway, this movie had a freakish sub-plot that involved a woman who had given up a child for adoption, and was oddly reunited with her as an adult. For some reason, the whole thing just got to me. I was crying hysterically, and I don't do that (especially since I pre-check all movies for stuff that might cause sobbing!) It was awful.
So, a couple of hours later, I was just starting to feel a bit normal again, and went to my kitchen computer to check my email. There was an email from someone whose address I didn't recognize, which is not that unusual, since my email address is listed here on my blog. I clicked it open, and the hatefulness that spilled forth was almost indescribable.
I'm not going to give you all the gory details, but I will tell you it was from someone who thinks I'm doing a terrible thing by looking for my birth mother, and especially by attempting to make contact with her. This person feels that I have no right to any information about my origins and essentially said that I was an ungrateful degenerate. According to this email, I was lucky to be adopted in the first place, and, by seeking out my birth family, I was disrespecting the parents who raised me. It went on to say that by contacting my biological mother, that I would be trying to ruin her life, as I probably had ruined my adoptive parents' lives by being so ungrateful.
Wow. It's been a long time since anyone has said anything so hateful to me. It was written with such venom, that, even though I don't agree with anything that was said, it still stung. Even though I have no respect for someone who would send that kind of thing anonymously, the fact that someone - anyone - thinks this way does hurt. I know, by writing a blog, that I am putting myself out there for people to judge if they want. I've been so overwhelmed by the support you've shown that I almost forgot that what I'm doing is still a bit controversial. Today I was reminded.
I still think I have a right to know about where I came from. I don't think I have demonstrated anything but love and respect for my parents - my real parents, the ones who raised me - and I think, if they were alive today they would support me in this quest. Rather than being ungrateful, I am the opposite. I am filled with thankfulness both for the difficult decision my birth mother made to give me up, and for the loving arms of my parents which opened wide to accept me into their family. It's hard to explain, but there has been a feeling inside me for a long time, a yearning to know that I couldn't ignore. There's also a need to know medical information for myself and for my own children.
I have no way of knowing who the mystery emailer is, but if their goal was to make me stop searching, they have failed in their mission. Although hurtful, it doesn't change what I believe.
It does make me slightly less anxious to open emails from people I don't know.