Monday, March 9, 2009

Mean Old World

Blindsided. Totally blindsided. That's how I felt.

I had managed to (sort of) forget all about the increasingly frustrating wait for some response from my birth mother. I sent off the letter, and planned to give her some space. Of course, I was starting to think it was time to send her another note, but still, I was learning patience.

I had even gotten to the point that I didn't think about it every minute. This is a busy time of year, and I'm job hunting, too, so I have lots to keep me busy. It isn't like I think about being adopted, and all the feelings that go along with it, all the time. There are many moments - most moments - when I'm just doing what I have to do, what we all have to do to be in the world.

Then, out of the blue, TWICE IN ONE DAY, something jumped up and punched me right in the gut. One was small and not anyone's fault. The other one - not so much.

I was watching a movie. It was just a movie - a Hallmark Channel movie - and it wasn't really about anything that should have affected me. I had even checked out the plot on IMDB and made sure there were no dying children or tortured animals. Yes, I actually do this - checking out movies ahead of time - and I won't apologize for it. I have been burned by movies that have made me feel so badly for DAYS afterward, and I can't deal with it. My real life is challenging enough;I'm looking for happy endings, people, so sue me.

Anyway, this movie had a freakish sub-plot that involved a woman who had given up a child for adoption, and was oddly reunited with her as an adult. For some reason, the whole thing just got to me. I was crying hysterically, and I don't do that (especially since I pre-check all movies for stuff that might cause sobbing!) It was awful.

So, a couple of hours later, I was just starting to feel a bit normal again, and went to my kitchen computer to check my email. There was an email from someone whose address I didn't recognize, which is not that unusual, since my email address is listed here on my blog. I clicked it open, and the hatefulness that spilled forth was almost indescribable.

I'm not going to give you all the gory details, but I will tell you it was from someone who thinks I'm doing a terrible thing by looking for my birth mother, and especially by attempting to make contact with her. This person feels that I have no right to any information about my origins and essentially said that I was an ungrateful degenerate. According to this email, I was lucky to be adopted in the first place, and, by seeking out my birth family, I was disrespecting the parents who raised me. It went on to say that by contacting my biological mother, that I would be trying to ruin her life, as I probably had ruined my adoptive parents' lives by being so ungrateful.

Wow. It's been a long time since anyone has said anything so hateful to me. It was written with such venom, that, even though I don't agree with anything that was said, it still stung. Even though I have no respect for someone who would send that kind of thing anonymously, the fact that someone - anyone - thinks this way does hurt. I know, by writing a blog, that I am putting myself out there for people to judge if they want. I've been so overwhelmed by the support you've shown that I almost forgot that what I'm doing is still a bit controversial. Today I was reminded.

I still think I have a right to know about where I came from. I don't think I have demonstrated anything but love and respect for my parents - my real parents, the ones who raised me - and I think, if they were alive today they would support me in this quest. Rather than being ungrateful, I am the opposite. I am filled with thankfulness both for the difficult decision my birth mother made to give me up, and for the loving arms of my parents which opened wide to accept me into their family. It's hard to explain, but there has been a feeling inside me for a long time, a yearning to know that I couldn't ignore. There's also a need to know medical information for myself and for my own children.

I have no way of knowing who the mystery emailer is, but if their goal was to make me stop searching, they have failed in their mission. Although hurtful, it doesn't change what I believe.

It does make me slightly less anxious to open emails from people I don't know.

40 comments:

Lynn said...

How mean and cruel !

for a different kind of girl said...

Speechless...how awful and cruel and completely unnecessary. I know I've only been reading your blog for a bit, but never once in the posts I've read have I imagined nor seen you say you had any disregard for your adoptive parents. Nor are you doing anything that is unusual. Sigh...

justlori2day said...

There is no excuse for this! You have every right to know who you are, where you came from, and what your history holds.

People who send anonymous posts and comments and emails should really mind their own business. I have always felt if you don't like what you are reading, there is always that little red "x" in the upper right hand corner.

We love you doll, and we want you to do what is best for you!! Come hell or high water we will stick by you!!!

AirmanMom said...

ME..I am so very sorry you had to endure such ugliness. Please know we (your blog family) support you. Sadly, this world is filled with people who find the need to be cruel. Please be you, don't ever sink to their low level.
You are loved!
~AM

Laura ~Peach~ said...

I would so like to see and respond to that person... As an adopted adult who HAS reunited I am sure I would have plenty to say... Usually someone with such venom is NOT a part of the triad and have no right to say anything... As for people from the triad They are allowed to say anything they feel or think especially when sharing with others in the triad.
There is always SOMEONE out there who thinks and believes it their right to be mean and cruel but, they are WRONG. sigh... Hugs to you ME.

Just Joni said...

I think it is difficult for some people to understand and it is always so much easier to judge, but I do feel that we have a responsibilty to ourselves and our children to gain as much knowledge about our medical history as possible. When a child goes up for adoption, it is never easy, but as with all actions, there are pursuant reactions that cannot be avoided. If your parents were alive, of course they would support you...they loved you unconditionally. As for ruining lives...that seems a bit dramatic, but what can you expect from someone not willing to own their remarks. Shrug it off ME and know the world is a better place because we choose to seek answers...anything else is just complacency.

Scriptor Senex said...

Oh Gosh. How can people do that? Even if they believed what they said why do they feel the need to say it. They obviously haver a real PROBLEM. All you can do (easier said than done, I know) is leave it as their problem and try not to make it yours. You have never shown any disrespect for the parents who brought you up - very much the opposite. And, I suspect that in your position I too would want to make contact with my birth mother.
I can only hope that the love and support that all of us other 'strangers' feel for you is of some help in letting you forget this idot and moving on...

With Love
SS

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Unbelievable.

That person is a Grade A Asshat.

Won't say anything more cuz that person doesn't deserve my words.

EFF him/her M.E...

Your life, your choice...you do what YOU want.

Always here for you,
H

kim-d said...

ME--

One word. Clueless fucktard.

Anybody who chooses to do something like that by hiding behind the cloak of anonymity is a non-person. Things said like that, in that manner, are completely meaningless and not worth the time it takes to read them, much less thing about them afterwards.

Karma can be a big ole bitch, thankfully.

katy said...

If this person wasn't brave enough to put their name on the email it isn't worth worrying about. I know you can't ignore it completely when it is sent to you, but remember there are many more of us who are behind you 100% than that one person who decided to hide behind the word anonymous.

Under the Influence said...

Well that was just rude and uncalled for. Not that it was any of her business, but if she truly felt the need to share her opinion with you, she could have been nice about it!

Midwest Mommy said...

Are you kidding me? Someone wrote that. You should give us their email address so we can send warm fuzzies their way (and by warm fuzzies I am shit with mold on it).

knittergran said...

Oh-I am so sorry. I don't understand why people like that can't keep their meannesss to themselves. What do they think they accomplish? A similar hateful thing happened to my daughter-a vicious and lengthy anonymous comment on her blog. She could delete it from the blog, but it really upset her. Try to move on as quickly as possible. Just consider the source-an anonymous, mean, hateful person. Who needs him/her?
Not you.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

I have one word (that I can actually publish) for that person...

P. I. G.

Shell-Bell said...

I am so sorry this has happened! As an adoptive parent I applaud you in finding your birth parents.

You hang in there and don't give up! Hold your head high! Don't dwell on the hurt. One of my favorite sayings is "Energy Flows where Attention Goes!" Put your heart into something you love. Show this "Anonymous" that they didn't win!

I'm sending LOVE and GOOD thoughts your way!

Shell-Bell (Formerly known as Paintball Dudes Mom)

Evansmom said...

Earlier today, I filled out one of those silly facebook surveys and one of the questions was who I wanted to punch. I basically left it blank - I am not really a violent person. Right now, I know who I want to punch. The coward who emailed you. I would love to get into my car, drive to where he/she is and punch them right in the gut.

Those of us who know you (and I am proud to call you my friend for many many years) know that you did not embark on this journey without many years of doubt, questioning, etc. I remember when I first met you and you told me that you were adopted, I was so amazed that you didn't have more questions. You were so secure in your family and it was obvious that you loved them and they loved you. It wasn't until you had your beautiful boys that you decided you had a NEED to know medical information.

I can't say as I 100% understand your need to know - just like I didn't 100% understand way back when why you weren't more curious. How could I? I have not walked in your footsteps and been in your shoes. Please know, however, that even if I don't 100% understand, I do 100% support your right to make the decision that is the best for you. While I don't walk in your footsteps, I am honored to walk beside you for almost 30 years.

Be well, my friend.

Becca said...

hugs for you and a FUCK YOU for the hater!!!!!!!

c3 said...

I can only imagine the initial shock brought on by that anonymous poison. I'm glad you wrote about it and your reaction -- I admire the strength you're showing.

Barb said...

As a writer for most of my life, I have been there more that once. I'm so sorry that someone thought it was perfectly okay to vent his or her unspent rage at you. I hope you'll remember that for every anonymous a**hole out there, there are a bazillion of us who support what you're doing and think you're very brave. Don't let the losers get you down. I think you're wonderful and I'm worth a thousand anonymous hatemongers!

PS: I do that with the movies I watch, too. I know which ones will send me down the dark trail of depression and those ones, I just stay away from.

American in Norway said...

One word... T R O L L....

If you have something hateful to say, why can't you sign your name?

I have no experience with adoption, but I think you have every right to find out where you came from ... sorry the troll upset you! Hugs-

claudia said...

Wow! I think it is none of Anonymous emailer's business what you do. It's controverisial yes, but it is by all means within your rights to find your birth people, especially to get medical history. How mean, how cruel of someone to spew crud into your email box!
I also think it is just a tad cowardly to be anonymous. If there were any reason for me to spew forth my unsoughtout nasty opinion, I would certainly have to give the recipient a place to rebutt my opinion, and ya can't do that anonymously.
I love ya and I am standing by you all the way!
To Anonymous:
I am the mother of a child who I put up for adoption. I welcomed his adoptive family finding me to fill in unknown facts about our family history when and if they wanted. I am friends with his parents, I have contact with him and his wife and son. I welcome it all. I do not disrupt their lives and they do not disrupt mine. It is medically necessary for people to know their backgrounds. I would say to you, come forward and apologize or shut up!

Mrs4444 said...

Sorry to hear that. As if you'd be influence by a hateful stranger...

Liz said...

Thankfully, you are a wise woman who knows that this piece of crap was full of venom and bile and is living an empty and meaningless existence. You know that you are doing the right thing- you are listening to your heart, following your instinct. You can't go wrong when you are being genuine.

{{{hugs}}}

(And if it makes you feel any better, I'm giving you a blog award! Swing by alter to check it out!)

Odette said...

You know what I wondered when I read this? I wonder if it's someone connected to someone's birth parents who have been torn apart by the whole thing. Not that I am in ANY way condoning this behavior. I think that it is reprehensible and whoever did it should be ashamed of themselves.

I agree with Hallie, Your life, you have a right to know. Not only that but your parents would I am sure support you and so doing this in no way shows that you don't love and respect them. We all know how much you loved them, so as immature as it sounds the person who wrote you that e-mail can suck it!

Caution Flag said...

I'm sorry about that yuckiness. You keep searching, ME.

Robin said...

ok, that just makes me so mad! some people are such shits!

look, like you said, you haven't done anything wrong. you do have the right to know certain things about your history, your past. you have been nothing but respectful and loving of your parents and non judgmental of your birth parents.

i think it's great that while the email hurt you, you aren't letting it stop you.

i said it before, i'll say it again. you are a brave person to do this and you WILL get your answers.

jojo said...

sad, just sad...all around. I'm so sorry M.E. I'm sitting here completely at a loss for words. I'm still shocked that anyone would do such a thing. We all love you and are here for you and like Kim said...Karma. Take care...

Elenka said...

I can't even imagine how you feel. What a nasty thing to do. If that person is reading this, you should be ashamed of yourself. You can think anything you want, but this is none of your business, even if you have strong feelings. The birth mother will do what she wants to, as she apparently is.
If anyone has been reading ME's blog for any time, you know that she does not mean any harm.
sheesh.

su said...

Obviously this person has a personal flaw. Perhaps one day this person will be fulfilled and not feel a need to be hateful. It is such a wasteful emotional bank account. Perhaps it was the full worm moon's influence! I am so sorry that you had to endure the indignity. At the very least you must report them to your email service and theirs. Spring is on the way I just know it.

My Metabolic Rate is Stuck said...

ME, you have EVERY RIGHT to know where you came from!
THAT person must have a very UNHAPPY life herself! SHE HAS NO RIGHT!!!!
I'm sure ALL of us could set her straight!!
This really makes me BOIL!!!!

Joanie said...

That person who sent the email obviously reads your blog, and I bet she's just getting her (yes, I bet it's woman)jollies off knowing she upset you and all of us who are repsonding. But she's a coward because she didn't have the guts to sign the email or respond here.
She deserves everything she is getting here by your friends. ME, you just keep on working to find the info you need.

Alice said...

It's real easy to be an asshole when you don't put your name on an email.

I would tell you it doesn't matter what they think...but I, too, know that sometimes getting suckerpunched by someone we don't even know hurts the worst.

I think I speak for the majority of us who read your blog...you are doing something brave and scary and you have every right to know.

my best wishes on your continued information quest. And know that you are BRAVE enough to put your name and your feelings on a blog every day.

assholes are not.

Sarah Laurence said...

I can feel the pain in your words. Of course you have a right to track down your birth parents. I would be curious too. Delete that nasty e-mail and don’t give it another thought.

Proud Mom said...

M.E., How dare that ugly dog poop in your yard! Listen, go online an order a voodoo doll or have some gypsy cast a nasty spell on that %#@*$. How about the one for permanent purple facial hair or green buck teeth? Or both?

Abby said...

Oh my gosh. I just have no words. Clearly, they don't understand.... and unless you've been adopted, you can't understand the need to be connected to the one person who gave birth to you... even if you have WONDERFUL adoptive parents.

Aww, M.E.... much love to you. I'm so sorry.

Sue said...

OMG, that is so mean! Mean people suck I tell you! How rude. If you don't agree, don't read the blog, right?
Don't you worry M.E.. There are plenty out here that love you and support you in your cause and search. Don't let the squeaky wheel get the grease!

Lanny said...

Ouch, I'm hurting for you! I cannot speak for your mother, but as an adoptive mother, I can say I support my girls 100000% if they choose to have contact/a relationship with their birth families. In fact, I'm in regular contact with one BM, and was with the other (she's taking a little break right now to deal with her emotions, which I fully support, but I do hope she wants to resume our relationship someday).
I don't get that cruelness, ME. I just don't get it.
Big hugs to you.

Vegas Princess said...

People can be so callous and cruel for no other reason than to see what kind of reaction they get. I am glad you are sticking to your decisions, which are good and rightfully yours to persue. This is your life, your situtaion. No one else has any right to tell you that you are doing something wrong. I am so proud of you and wish I could kick people like that in the place where is hurts the most.

And there are ways to find out who that person is if you really wish to know. But I would not stoop to their vicious and demented level.

Michelle said...

ME...don't waste your time or energy even thinking about this persons email. If they can't sign their name to it, it doesn't mean a thing. Heck, even if they did sign their name to an email like this it would mean nothing. People do not have to agree with your decision, but it is your decision and we have to respect that. I personnaly agree with your decision and at this point it is up to your birth mother if she wants to accept the contact request. And I know that you will respect what ever she decides to do. You are a strong woman for going through this. We all love ya

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