Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Wanderer

Another rainy day. I can feel the melancholy in the air. It's hard to concentrate and I find myself wandering, both figuratively and literally.

Yesterday was my 49th birthday. I guess that means I need to update my profile (but I don't think I'll rush - let's pretend I'm still 48 for another couple of days). All day yesterday I found that I was holding a conversation in my head. A one-way conversation (okay, I guess that makes it a monologue) with my birth mother. I've been having this conversation since I was a child, but this year it seems particularly difficult, I think because I know who she is - where she is, even. It's one of those 'so near and yet so far' things. Since I can't seem to let go of it, I'm going to write it down and see if that helps. It went something like this:

Hey, do you remember what you were doing 49 years ago today? God, I wish I knew what it was like then - what you went through. There are a million things I want to know. Were you in labor a long time? Was anyone there with you? I hope you didn't have to go through it alone. I know you delivered me without C-section, and I'm glad you didn't have that particular scar to remind you - if you were trying to forget, which I'm guessing you might have been.

I wish I knew what it was like for you in the preceding 9 months, too. You must have been scared. I hope you had people - friends or family - who stood by you and helped you through it.

Do you think of me on July 7th each year - or is it one of those things that you thought about the first few years, but gradually stopped noticing? Did you picture me at different ages? When I turned one, did you wonder if I was walking? When I was five, did you think about me starting school? Were you ever curious about whether I got married, had kids of my own?

If only you'd talk to me. Answer some of my questions - or at least pass on the medical information I need so badly. If only I could say the things I've held inside for so long. If only I could tell you how much I appreciate what you did 49 years ago. Thank you for my life.

22 comments:

Lynn said...

Happy belated birthday ! You share a birthday with my youngest son. Very special people were born on the 7th of July and don't you forget it ! LOL

Lori Skoog said...

ME..Happy Birthday from me too!

I love what you wrote to your birth mother. It would be so nice if she would respond to you...I can imagine how frustrating it must be. There is such yearning in those words... You definately need some sunshine in your life....

Evansmom said...

I hope that the sun shines for you soon - both literally and figuritively.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I still contend it's her loss. Of course that doesn't make it any better for you but it's how I feel.

You are SO worth knowing.

Hallie

Joanie M said...

Happy Birthday! I know it's difficult not being able to speak to your brth mother. Just remember what a terrific gift she gave you on your birth, a great set of parents.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

happy late birthday... funny but my bio mother did not remember what day i was born... in fact there was a loud disucssion on weather it was the last week of july or the second week of august between her and her mother... my birth cert says aug 6th and i will stick with that.

Elenka said...

Happy Birthday !!!
What if you write a note to her and deliver it...for her to look at your blog?
Or write the note on your blog and send it to her.
Keep sending her stuff...what have you got to lose?

I'm sick of being wet.

jojo said...

Living in the land of rainy I know how introspective day after day of rain can make you. Having your birth mother ignore you can only intensify the feeling...I'm sorry ME, and I agree with Hallie, It's her loss. I happen to think you are wonderful and so worth knowing. I wish we lived closer so we could hang out! I also agree with Elenka, send her these thoughts and keep sending them until you get your medical history.
Happy Belated Birthday...know I am thinking of you and sending sunny thoughts your way. jj

Becca said...

oh I wish she would talk to you too....

Odette said...

Happy Birthday! I was thinking of you yesterday while I was watching the Dr Phil show. (yes I feel like a loser for admitting I was watching it.) But there was a woman who was speaking out against open adoption (she was adopted.)

I thought it was kinda selfish because she didn't get along with her birth parents (whom she met as an adult)so now she feel that no adopted people should get to meet and know they're birth parents. I wish she could have read your blog and understand why her experience is the exception, not the rule.

I hope that one day you can have your questions answered. (for the record I SO agree with Hallie) xoxo

Nichole said...

Happy Belated Birthday!!!

I'm sure most of us wish we could knock on your mom's door and get you some answers. It's very frustrating and sad that you have all of these unanswered questions.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Happy Birthday!

I can tell you this - a birth mother NEVER forgets...


ever

Corrine said...

We thought of you, ME.
We did.
I am sure that this year, if not in years past, she thought of you.
I continually hope for her to move over this, and talk to you. To clear up your what if's...

Scriptor Senex said...

Happy Birthday - belatedly. And what a wonderful way to end your letter. Gosh, she is missing so much. I can only hope for her sake that she has some other compensation for what she has missed out on and is still missing.
Lots of Love,
SS

Lori Skoog said...

Mary Ellen...you are too kind. Thanks for visiting and writing such nice comments. Actually, the song "Home" sort of goes with what you wrote about your Mom...hope it was not too hard to listen to.
Come on sunshine!

claudia said...

I wish I was old enough to be your birth mother! I would so answer your questions!!!!! My son and I have little contact. He has me on his MySpace and vice versa. We say hi from time to time. I am open to questions from him. Things he needs to know. I just want to give him his space, he has a mom and dad, so I can't interfere with that, nor do I want to.
Do keep sending her notes. It really can't hurt. If it bugs her, then she can get ahold of you and tell you to please stop. (then you could throw in some questions while you have her there)
Your last sentence made me cry...happy tears!
Love you, don't give up hope.

Andrew Scott Turner said...

Hey

The sun is streaming through my window

Look out yours

And smile

knittergran said...

A belated Happy Birthday!
I don't know what to say about your birth mother. Maybe she is just too much a product of her times-where people just don't talk about anything personal. I am sure she remembers the date, however.
Just think about your babies and smile...

Vegas Princess said...

Happy Birthday!! (Sorry I'm late, I never seem to have time for the computer any more.)

What you wrote to your birth mother was very special.

for a different kind of girl said...

Happy belated birthday. I hope this year gives you some of the answers you've been diligently looking for.

Hope you get some sunshine soon, too!

Mrs4444 said...

This is beautiful. I wish I could answer for her. Hope your birthday was special :)

♥ Braja said...

Hey, Happy birthday Mary Ellen :))