Friday, December 12, 2008

The most annoying time of the year

I'm afraid I have given you all the wrong impression. Evidently I seem all nicey-nice here on my new blog. It was pointed out to me that I might not be giving the whole picture, so in the interests of honesty, although it may seem as though I grew up to be the harbinger of all sweetness and light, I'm not. Ask anyone who has known me for a while.

When I'm talking about my parents and grandparents, it's easy to wax poetic. They were absolutely the best family I could have ever wanted. Now that they are hanging out in heaven, I miss them and tend to only remember every perfect thing (although I did spill my mom's Minute Rice secret shame!) When I talk about wanting to know my origins, that, too, comes from my heart and soul.

HOWEVER, most of the time I live in the real world, and Holy Cow, has it been all too real lately! In order to survive what life keeps throwing at me, I may have developed a slightly sarcastic tone. (Hallie, be quiet.) Actually, sarcasm has been my friend for a long, long time.

So, I present to you the real me. The one who alternately loves and hates the holiday season for the following reasons.

I love Christmas. I love the presents and the lights and Christmas carols and cookies and trees and all the love that is spread around this time of year. I especially love the parts where we celebrate the actual reason for Christmas.

BUT, there are some things I do NOT like about this time of year, and I've put them into a list.

1. I don't like the weather. More specifically, I don't like that the weather gets to mess up any plans I have on any random day. Snow/sleet/freezing rain gets to decide if I can go shopping, or to a Christmas concert or a party or even church. I hate weather.

2. I don't like hearing the same seasonal songs over and over and over again. Why, when there are 40 billion Christmas songs, do we have to hear the 12 crappy versions of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas every 15 minutes? And why, for that matter, does every famous singer think that they should record a Christmas album and, to make it 'different,' screw around with the timing, rhythm and notes of the song so as to make it completely unrecognizable and un-sing-along-able? I could do a better job with my CD collection than either of the all-holiday radio stations. Heck, I could sing a better version of Have Yourself...oh, never mind.

3. Why can't you find chocolate-covered cordial cherries in dark chocolate? I love these things. It is a HUGE part of Christmas for me (my grandparents again) and I like them in DARK CHOCOLATE. But you can only find them in milk chocolate unless you want to pay five gazillion dollars to get the really fancy kind smuggled in from Europe or some such nonsense. I went online and found out that the Queen Anne kind (sold at Walmart and Walgreens) only carry milk chocolate, and that the dark is only sold at two stores I've never heard of...what is wrong with America?

4. Why do people get so crazy this time of year? I mean, really? I remember working for LL Bean (I did this as a second job each year, just for 2-3 months leading up to Christmas for a little extra cash and the fab discount) and being told at least 3 or 4 times each year that I had "RUINED CHRISTMAS!" This was always because, when they called on December 22 to order that shirt that was on the cover of EVERY SINGLE CATALOG that went to 250 million homes for the last three months, it was sold out. Let me tell you, sister: if your Christmas is completely dependent on whether or not you can get that navy plaid chambray shirt for cousin Bob, you had better be calling in September. And then call for some professional help, 'cause you have bigger issues than us being out of stock.

5. Why is Happy Holidays all of a sudden a bad thing to say? I know the whole controversy about being forced to be politically correct, but this is my take on it: My parents used to send and receive Christmas cards that said "Happy Holidays." I always assumed they referred to Christmas and New Year's (inside the card was usually printed something like have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year). Now, if I accidently say Happy Holidays, I get a lecture about how the anti-Christmas movement is ruining this country. People, get over yourself. If somebody says Happy Hanukkah to me, I'm not going to get all crazy on them. I'll smile and say "Thanks, same to you!" Isn't there a little room for tolerance here in this most blessed of seasons?

Okay, there it is. The real me. I hope you'll stick around anyway, because I think you all rock.

Only 21 days left!


Andrew Scott Turner said...

Woo hoo! I'm the first to comment.

I agree with your list, and with your public revelation of being sarcastic. Good for you. You've turned a corner.

I, too, can sometimes be sarcastic. No, really. Oh shut up, you know I'm right.

Anyway, I also agree with your list, except for the dark chocolate. I don't like chocolate. Dark, light, medium, milk, white. Whatever. Not a fan. MY favorite Christmas/Holiday/Festive Season candy would be ribbon candy. Or peanut brittle, if it's homemade.

I'm also bothered with the whole "Happy Holidays" vs "Merry Christmas" BS.


kimmy said...

I love dark chocolate too. Just about anything covered in dark chocolate would taste better. Now, I'm hungry...


KimandCo said...

Sarcasm is my best friend! Happy Holidays (um, I mean Christmas, oops, I really meant Hanukkah, wait, Kwaanza, crapy, I mean ...)

Corrine said...

The "real" you.
I think I would love to know the "real" you. Sarcasim and all.
Hey, I put up with Sally Hands, don't I? I can handle the real MET!

Bring it, baby!!!

Midwest Mommy said...

I am liking the real you:-) Seriously, I am not done shopping because I can't handle the people in the stores right now. Merry Christmas Sunshine can only be used so many times because I fear getting beat up.

justlori2day said...

Dark chocolate rocks it! And so do you - with wit, sarcasm, and lists that tell it like it is!

Sarcastic, witty, mushy, whatevs, you are wonderful!

Abby Reed said...

I could not agree more with you about the Happy Holidays thing.... seriously, it's all in the spirit of being kind this time of year! Why do people get so uptight about it!

Happy Haunakah! ;)

Alice said...

Oh my god! I love the real you. This made me laugh out loud!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

You...sarcastic....I never noticed.

(does saying that count as your Xmas gift?)

(waiting for a sarcastic reply)

Hallie :)

kim-d said...

Ah ha! I do love me some sarcastic people because, sometimes, when I'm feeling extra energetic, I am too! The whole nicey-nice thing is just when I'm too lazy to think up snappy (read: sarcastic) comebacks. Oh, and then that people tell me I am too blunt and offend them, but then when I'm nice, that is not pleasing either. So, all of that is my pet peeve.

Merry Effin' Christmas! BWAHAHAHA!

kim-d said...

I'm back because I just had to tell you...I'm listening to my Christmas music on my iPod. Because that way no one can make fun of me for listening to "Hurry Home for Christmas" by Steve and Eydie (and because you're so much younger than me, that's Lawrence and Gorme', which probably still doesn't tell you who they are). I like all the Christmas music, but they do need to vary things a little more. I'm especially partial to "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and The Chipmunk Song. Serious.

Is it Ramadan yet? If so, Merry Effin' Ramadan. BWAHAHAHAHA!

I DO crack myself up...

kim-d said...

Hey, I did not realize you were that close to my age! And it sounds like we like the same kind of music, too!!! COOL!!! Do you like Big Band stuff at all? I LOVE it.

Do you like the Sarah MacLachlan version of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"? I LOVE IT.

Happy Effin' Holidays...

knittergran said...
Check this out to read the take of these two neat women on the whole ruining Christmas thing.
Happy Holidays!!!

andreawilliams said...

you are so right. people get nutty this time of year. i think that you may be on to something. its the repeat music that makes you nuts!

Laura ~Peach~ said...

I so could not agree with you MORE! I have the biggest love/ hate relationship woth this time of the year it is NUTS.... and I am walking the fine line of sanity as it is.... I woudl KILL for dark chocolate covered cherries with out the WHITE CRAp inside i like the clear stuff surrounding the cherry.... sigh...cant buy them can only find someone who can make them... and SHEESH stop messing up the music already...
I tell everyone happy holidays and if they dont like it tough shit.
Oh dear I have a side too LOL
I am tickled pink to get to know you all sides of you good bad and ugly cause we all got them just some hide them better than ME!

Sue said...

Another sarcastic person! I love it! You don't need to be mushy all the time to be loved in blog world. Sarcasm makes the world more humerous!

I loved the story about Beans. I love Beans. I can just see someone screaming at you because you didn't have a shirt. Yeah, I worked at Talbots once upon a time, same shit there.

Hope your ice has melted a bit!

Vegas Princess said...

Who is saying you're not wonderful? Because your sarcasm just makes me love you even more! I love finding sarcasm sisters!! :)

And every single thing about the holidays that annoys you I agree with, even down to the doark chocolate covered cherries. What is up with that? I need to buy them for my FIL and every year I can't find them and have to settle for the milk chocolate which are so not as good. I think there is a dark chocolate conspiracy.

Shellie said...

AMEN to #3!!!! The most but the rest too. I just ignore the bad parts as much as I can. I agree about happy holidays- Christmas IS one of those holidays after all. Plus, Hannukah celebrates a wonderful miracle, Kwanzaa a celebration of roots and self worth and empowerment, all so fitting to go hand in hand with Christmas. The thing that bugs me is Xmas. X?????? Who thought that one up. If they have a burr up their tush over Happy Holidays, hadn't they better just take care of naming their own holiday right first? At the other extreme, people should be able to decorate religiously, whether it be the dominant or minority religion, or better yet, all of them! Chill pill, people.

AirmanMom said...

ME...obviously you are not alone with the sarcasm and love of dark chocolate! Ahh...please keep the cherries!

~AirmanMom returning to her blog...