Friday, December 5, 2008

Want to be my sister?

Yesterday, Laura~Peach~ asked me about my brother. I explained briefly that I did have a brother, also adopted (not blood-related to me) 21 months before me. He and I were typical siblings, with a typical sibling relationship. As we grew to adulthood, we turned into very different people, and didn't really remain close at all, although I'm still very close to his ex-wife and I love my two nieces madly.

He is my only brother, and I love him, but it just seemed that after my parents died, we didn't have anything in common, and not much to say to each other. Kim D asked about how long my parents have been gone. My dad died 10 years ago, and my mother passed away 2 years later, after a long struggle with multiple health issues. They had a wonderful bond, and I picture them hanging out in heaven, just happy to be together again.

I remember someone telling me that when your parents die, it's like someone says to you "Go to the head of the line" and it's not a line in which you want to be at the front. I think this is the point where siblings can be the most comforting, and that just isn't how it was for me and my brother. I don't blame him for that - it's just how things are. In raising my two boys, I have put an inordinate amount of effort into building their relationship. I want them to always have each other, even when I'm gone, and luckily, even though they're 5 and a half years apart in age, they love each other and get along great.

Still, that leaves me with a longing that I've had since I was little - a longing for a sister. I admit that in my deepest darkest heart, I'm hoping that when I get my birth certificate and search out my birth family that there might be a sister out there for me.

My birth parents may well have had other children. Heck, my bio father was Catholic and married back in 1960 - back then the Catholics had truckloads of kids! There's a chance that there are several half-siblings out there, and I might be able to find and know them.

Now, I know there is no guarantee. I might never be able to find them. Who knows what roadblocks lay ahead in my search path? I know that there is a good chance that they will not be pleased to find out about me, or might not want a relationship or even to meet me. The whole idea of another rejection is always on my mind.

Even though I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, I can't help but dream just a tiny tiny bit. Maybe, just maybe, my sister is out there waiting for me. If not, then the position remains open, and I might have to appoint someone. I wonder how that help wanted ad would read: Grown woman seeking sister for slumber parties and giggling. Hmm. Better work on that some more.

16 comments:

kim-d said...

Exact same thing here with my "brother." We are not related at all--he was the "yours", I was the "mine", and there were no "ours." Growing up, we did okay, but then when it was done it was done. He and I are WAY different people and his type of different is the type that my type of different doesn't like and/or love. That may sound harsh, but it is the reality. He's the kind that will piss in your ear and tell you it's raining outside.

I always wanted a sister, too. Always! Okay...I'm wondering, if either or both of your birth parents were trying to find you, would it be easier than it's been for you to find out about them? I don't know much about how it works, but what if one or both of them want to find you? Could they?

There's no way of knowing what the reception will be like when you find them and, really, to my way of thinking, it's not really even mostly about that. At this point, it's about you getting the knowledge that you need. After finding them, YOU might decide that you don't want a relationship with THEM. What I hope for you is that when that day comes, it will be everything you want it to be and more.

What a journey!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I should say something sweet and gooshy but I am devestated that I have not already filled your need for a sister like figure in your life!

We gossip, we shop, we totally make fun of each other...yep, sister like in all ways.

But apparently that means nothing to you...

sigh...

H

Andrew Scott Turner said...

We're living the life of a blended family, two hers, two mine, two ours, and our greatest and only real wish (beyond always being happy and healthy) is that they love each other. I have dreams in which Corrine and I are long gone and mine and hers go their separate ways and never see each other as adults, leaving our two youngest in some strange middle area, without connections to anyone.

Mary Ellen said...

Hallie - You'll have to excuse me. Not having had a sister, I wasn't sure what the activities were. Okay, then, you're hired.

Sure does take the pressure off, doesn't it? Love you!

Andrew - I have no idea how one deals with blended families, but I used to tell my second child all about how much the older one wanted him, or did for him when he was too little to remember. And I reminded the older one how he was the only one who could soothe his little brother, or get him to go to bed, or some such thing. The plan was that they would grow up thinking their sibling loved them like crazy...and so far, so good.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

I have 3 half siblings one is a girl the other two guys DUH and one full sister... I am closest to the oldest brother... I have met my othe rbrother a few times and adore hi but our lives are in different worlds so we dont talk much and I have met my half sister... I really feel for her because of how our father did those three and I do understand her resentment of me... we can talk and get a long wonderfully but again our lives are in different worlds... Graham and I are probably the most alike and he also reaches out most. he is 13 years older than me... dave is 11 years older and Lou is 9 years older... then there is me... and 17 years later my full sister who like our mother has nothing to do with us. she lived with us for a little while but it did not work out as she had other things on her mind besides her education which was the reason she came to live with us in the first place. Would I do it all again? in a heart beat because no matter what else came of it all I have graham and his wife :) IF you get to needing a southern sister... one who I dont believe could be bribed to go to maine in the winter I have papers and everything so it would be easy :) TAKE ME :D
ONE think I will repeat over and over ... NO expectations and yes I so know thats easier said than done but it is for self protections and self preservation because with most adoptees I have met and spent time with when they searched and found 99% of the time it was NOT what they had thought dreamed had fantasys of or imagined... thats not to say that it is a bad thing because I also know many many adoptees who have a wonderul relationship with one or both of their bio parents...but even then the situation was not what they thought. Anyway I am so thrilled to be on this journey with YOU!
HUGSSSSSSSS
Laura

Alice said...

Fortunately, my brother and I are close - although very different! But my heart aches for those who don't get to experience that bond. My fingers crossed that when you find your birth parents there is a fab sister waiting in the wings.

(Although I'm guessing Hallie has to be a pretty good fill-in!)

:)

justlori2day said...

I have a brother who I think resents ME because I got to spend many of Moms last moments with her, and he didn't. He forgets it was a choice - he chose not to.

That being said, we are full blood bro/sis, and we never got along. I was daddy's girl, he was mama's boy, and during childhood, mom and dad were not much of anything (read: married and divorced to/from each other twice).

When my step father came into the picture things turned around a little for Ted and I. But we never really forged a decent relationship. For most of our "20 something years" we lived together in a double bungalow we inherited from our grandmother. As you can imagine, that didn't help.

So, that being said, if I see/talk/hear from him more than 4 or 5 times a year I am shocked. He still lives in our old house in the city.

I ALWAYS wanted a sister. I think that is why my cousin Chrissy and I are more like sis's than cousins.

I wonder the same thing Kim does...

American in Norway said...

Same with my brother... I work very hard to make sure my 2 kids are nice to each other & will be there for each other....

Crossing my fingers that you have a load of nice catholic sisters! : ) Will be following to see what happens...better go back & read from the beginning... Loved your comment! Found out the old bitchy teacher ISN'T Norwegian, she is German...

Heather said...

Having a brother with whom I never got along, I'm sure that I take the whole thing for granted. I was the "accident", he was the one they "tried so hard for". You'd think after therapy, I wouldn't harbor any resentment, but I guess I forgot to work on that.

Anyhoo...

I did always want a sis though. Even after my parents had made sure there would be no more kids, I would beg my parents for an older sister. Yes, I was young and didn't understand how it all worked at that point, but I think you understand what I'm getting at. Is it wanting what we don't have or just being curious about what we know nothing about? In any case, I hope that when you do get the info you've been seeking, its exactly what you want it to be.

Michelle said...

I don't have a sister either. Kind of always wanted one. I do have a brother that I am close to. Growing up we did not get along but as adults we do great. I consider him one of my best friends.

Does the ad for a sister include doing nails, hair and whispering about boys?

Michelle said...

Almost forgot,, great looking boys and I love the dogs.

~*amber*~ said...

I love my sister, especially the younger one (and the rest of them too). I come from a blended family, and we also have a blended family here at our house. I will say that they are hard and they take work.
My older brother and sister have sort of drifted away already and our parents haven't passed, so it may only get worse once they do. As for me and my little brother and sister, I don't think that we will ever drift apart. I have other siblings from my real father that I too don't know a great deal about, so I guess I am really drifted from them.
Sometimes a really, really great friend can be like a sister. It isn't always blood that you need to make them a sister.

Sue said...

If you and Hallie need anther sister and are interested in sleep overs on Cape Cod, I'm your girl! Of course, I could come to your house, but I am highly allergic to dogs and 40 of them might just kill me!

AirmanMom said...

ME...may you always find what you are looking for!

~AirmanMom returning to her blog...

katy said...

I have a sister and a brother but my parents had us all so far apart that none of us feel any connection to the other. We talk on the phone when something comes up and we get along when we visit (we all live in different states) but none of us go out of our way to spend time with the other. I always wonder what will happen when our parents are gone, will we even see each other anymore?

Shellie said...

I am betting you have a truck load of siblings with that background. I hope at least one can become a friend. It might take time though. My boy has 6 birth siblings! My husband 2. His brother he grew up with, also adopted practically by him, is similar, keeps himself distanced. Not knowing who is out there is insanity. I hope my kids are close, I always tell them the same thing, but there are days when I have my doubts, they all have such big issues. The most likely to succeed relationship is the twins'. I know twins can fall apart, but I doubt it.