Yesterday, I worked a bit on all the information I've gathered since getting my original birth certificate on January 2. One of the wonderful search angels (actually, I think she was the HEAD angel) helped me work through it. She thinks there's a very good chance that the person whose name, address and phone number I have is indeed my biological mother.
At this point, there's really only one way to find out.
So, it's time to make that call. Well, ALMOST time to make the call. I'm this close to being ready. There's no way I can do it myself - and actually, they (you know who THEY are, right?) do not recommend that we adoptees make the call ourselves. It's too emotional, and freakin' scary! The risk of being rejected - again - is a terrifying prospect. Imagine what it would be like to call and say, "are you my mother?" only to be told, "yes, but I don't want anything to do with you."
Talk about a complex. That's all I need.
So, enter my good friend Hallie. She's offered to make the call for me. Isn't she the bomb? She has done this before, and says she's up to the task. I believe her. So, sometime soon, it will happen. We've even strategized a bit on when the best time of day and what day of the week would be best. I haven't actually told her that I think I'm ready, but, well, she reads my blog. So, Hallie, I think it's time.
My stomach is all in knots just thinking about it, but I think that is why it has to be done, and soon. I can't live like this, and heaven knows, everyone around me is probably getting sick and tired of all the melodrama! So, wish me - us - luck.
You know what's funny? It's times like these that I really wish my mom were alive. I never had to worry that she would reject me. She loved me unconditionally. And if this thing turned ugly, she'd be there for me. She would be a great person to talk to about this. I'll leave you with this poem that I found on another blog that deals with adoption. It mirrors my own opinions exactly.
This short poem by Rita Laws was first seen in OURS: The Magazine of Adoptive Families (now Adoptive Families magazine):
Four Adoption Terms Defined
Natural child: any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: any child who is not someone else’s child.
Adopted child: a natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.