Saturday, January 3, 2009

We Interrupt This Presentation

Yup, we’re interrupting this broadcast of “The Origins of Mary Ellen” to bring you a commercial message. This message, however, differs from many you will hear or see, in that I AM NOT trying to sell you anything. I simply need a break from all the drama – even if the drama is mostly taking place inside my head. I'm exhausted and must think about something else for a while.

So I decided to tell you something you probably don’t know about me, and it has to do with commercials. And infomercials.

I am the original “As Seen on TV” slut. I am totally fascinated by many of the products that are sold through commercials or infomercials. I know, I KNOW. I’m not proud of it, but it’s time for me to step out of the closet. It’s safe here, right?

When I see some of those products demonstrated on TV, I wonder – even if it’s just for a minute – whether it would really make my life better. Would I be ever so much more beautiful with mineral make-up? Would my house be so much cleaner if I had a steam cleaner thingy or a carpet-sweeper that swivels 360 degrees? Would we really eat so much better meals if I had a famous-ex-boxer-grill or a weird-flat-sandwich-cooker or a bizarre-plastic-dome-that-cooks-roast-beef-and-brownies-at-the-same-time?

Now, before you get all worried that I’m sitting up at 3 in the morning with my credit card in hand, ordering crap from late-night television, I assure you that I’m not. Even before I became unemployed, I was always pretty careful about what I spent my money on, so I rarely buy this stuff.

I do, however, think about it, and I often try to convince other people to buy my current product obsession so that they can tell me all about it. When it comes right down to it, I just want to KNOW. Does it really work like that in real life? I was so excited when Hallie got a Ped Egg so she could tell me about it (it turns out it’s totally as disgusting as it looks on TV).

I did once purchase the Magic Bullet – which, if you’ve never seen the commercial, is a small counter-top blender, and where have you been hiding? – and I love it. It really does a crapload of little blending tasks, and only takes up the tiniest of counter space. Oh, and my younger son (the fitness nut) owns one of those gym things that hook into a door frame and allow you to do chin-ups for hours directly in the main path of the house until someone threatens to strangle you.

Other than that, I’ve mostly just been wondering. Until now.

Somebody loves me. Actually, several somebodies. This year, for Christmas, I received not ONE, not TWO, but THREE fabulous as-seen-on-TV products. Products I talked about at length, evidently. Who knew that if you bothered people enough, they would eventually buy you something to shut you up?

I am now the proud owner of:

Debbie Meyer Green Bags – food storage bags which promise to make all your fresh produce survive MUCH longer. I plan on picking strawberries in July and serving them at Thanksgiving.

The Pancake Puff Maker – a coated cast iron pan that makes any of a billion different yummy foods, and makes them perfectly ROUND. Round food, as we all know, has less calories (calories can't cling to the sides - they fall right off).

The Sham-Wow – Which is a cloth that soaks up 20 times its weight in spilled liquid and will reduce my dependency on paper towels. I can't wait to spill a two-liter on the rug - fun times.

I can’t wait to see if they really work. And, yes, for those of you who are wondering, this makes me weird and a little pathetic. But I don’t care. I’m going to make fresh fruit-filled round pancakes and wipe up any mess I make with my new miracle cloth. It’s going to be a great weekend.

34 comments:

Midwest Mommy said...

Ok, the pancake puff maker had me drooling all last year!

Abby Reed said...

Really? I love my ped egg! Don't be a hater ME! :)

kim-d said...

New Year's Eve I came ***this*** close to ordering up those Debbie Meyer Green Bags! Really, ME, I am your As-Seen-On-TV-Slut twin! I want ALL that stuff! I'm the same as you; ultimately, I hold off on buying MOST of it, but it's hard not to buy it!

I can't wait to hear about your pancake puff maker. It wasn't all that long ago that I finally put my GT Xpress 101 cooker with free flavor injector in the donation box. BWAHAHAHA! Never used. I DO, however, want a Magic Bullet. I know lots of people who have those and everyone loves them!

Ahhh, good times is right!!! :)

Liz said...

I've got a Magic Bullet, too (I always giggle like crazy when I talk about it...), and it has proven very handy.

I have a ped egg but haven't gotten the hang of it so it sits, unused.

Please come back and review the products you received!! I especially want to know about the green bags!

Blog said...

Things I have purchased from TV:

Betty Crocker Bake-n-Fill - yes it works and my kids love the ice cream filled cakes I make.

WEN Cleansing Conditioner - bought this at the recommendation of my hairstylist, who was slightly embarrassed to be recommending a "TV" product. LOVE it, too.

Let me know about those Green Bags! My son is always telling me to buy those when our bananas turn brown and I have to throw them away.

Becca said...

shamWOW!!ove those commercials

American in Norway said...

I am so laughing... We get very little of those info mercials over here... but i too WONDER... My mother on the other hand does sit with credit card in hand & buy... & then send the crap (i mean really great things) on to her children... I have the pedi egg & have to say it REALLY WORKS (mom bought 4 of them...)

My Metabolic Rate is Stuck said...

Hi..Found you a couple of days ago..Had to laugh(with You) about this post...I too wonder...but don't buy....I wait and go to our local drug stores and purchase there...NO SHIPPING CHARGES! And YES...I believe in alot of what they sell...others, you know by instint that they are not worth the $$$ Happy Day

Laura ~Peach~ said...

i have wanted the shamwow forever.... break that bad boy out and test it already so I know if it works or not and I can order me some!!!!!
I have had 3 magic bullets all three eventually broke (the little wheel in the base just shattered in all three)i GAVE all the cups and goodies to someone who was willing to pay postage!
WE LOVE the ped egg! and I looked at the pasta microwave thingy in target... I just dont see it working so it stayed in target :) HUGS

kim-d said...

Hell, no--no distress whatsoever!!! I love thinking about things. I have always thought that the stuff that makes it was out of the recesses of the mind are pretty interesting, and anytime you learn a little bit more about yourself is good--even if sometimes it's not always easy!

However, having some Debbie Meyer green bags would ENSURE that I'm not in distress.

BWAHAHAHAHA...

Stephanie said...

So, does this mean that while I spend my nights dreaming about Hugh Laurie (from *House* on Fox) that you are fantasizing about Billy Mays?

I'm not judging...

PS - There is little I would not trade for a pancake puff right now.

Manette said...

I, too, would love to try the pancake puff, but am too lazy to order one! Your post had me cracking up all the way through... Thanks for sharing this about yourself! I had a great time reading it!!!

Vegas Princess said...

My brother gave us the sham wow and I can't wait to try them out on the cats when we wash them. :)

He also got us the Pasta cooker due to my unfortunate pasta making incident.

jojo said...

I just got the *green bags* and so fare they seem to be good to go...i'll let you know around March or April if I still feel that way ;)

claudia said...

Can I come for Thanksgiving dinner this year? I love me some strawberries and I am sure I will not have gotten my fill of them luscious little berries by the end of summer!
You crack me up. Mainly because I sit and watch those infomercials and wonder about them myself. I am always tempted to buy, and when I get real excited about something I get up to geo get my card and by the time I come back (because I couldn't find the card) I have either forgotten what I got up for or the infomercial is done. Saved by no memory!
But seriously let me know how those things work. We sold the PedEgg at Christmas time at my work, there's one left. I'm tempted.

AirmanMom said...

ME..I will admit I gag EVERY time I watch the PedEgg ad. ugh. All those blody flakes, even if they are my own...UGH!
As for the Sham-Wow I would try it. I will share a secret with you... I have a crush on Billy Mays ;)

~AirmanMom returning to her blog...

katy said...

I recommend chocolate covered strawberries.
Walmart sells a lot of those as seen on tv things. I look at them when I am in line but I'm afraid to waste my money in case they aren't as good as they say they are.

Tonjia said...

I am a "as seen on TV" slut too!! I didnt know there was another one out there!!

I have the magic bullet and LOVE it! I also bought a GT-Xpress and love it too. The Green bags are amazing. I have a head of lettuce in a green bag that is fresh and crisp and its been there for about 4 weeks..

I also have a ped egg, and we have a pedi-paws to cut the dogs' nails.

My next fix might be the microwave pasta cooker, have you seen it?

Let me know how the sham wow thing works!

Mrs4444 said...

You're funny. :) I LOVE my PedEgg, even though, yes, it is disgusting, too. Glad you got what you lusted for :)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

How's the sham-wow working out? My husband washed our cars and wipes them down like it's his crack addiction. I thought about buying him one for Christmas.

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

MaBunny said...

Hiyas ME, just catching up. I am sooo happy for you that you got your little piece of paper. I hope it answers some stuff that you have wondered about for a long time.

I want the sham -wow. Does it really work?
I also want the Buxton Organizer bag - although I don't know why I'd be carrying two bottles of water and an umbrella along with all the other crap I carry in my purse.

kim-d said...

Have you seen The Tobi? It's on right now and, I swear, this thing could be positively life-changing!

BWAHAHAHA!

knittergran said...

I just saw the ad for the Sham-Wow and must admit that I was tempted. Now I can wait for you to test drive them!

Shellie said...

Oh, thank you for the laugh! That was great. I had no idea that the round food doesn't let calories stick! I'm lucky I got that one because I rarely get stuff like that, but my kids badgered me into that one. I will have to send you a recipe I made for it. Here in Utah there is a news guy who occasionally tests products off commercials to see if they really work or not. I bet you would love him.:) Let me know how the other two products pan out.

kim-d said...

Oh, ME, how to describe the wonderfulness that is The Tobi. It is a steamer that replaces ironing. It is a steamer that you can sling on your shoulder like a purse and steam out your drapes and furniture. It is a steamer that you can use on your mattress and pillows to steam out the dust mites. And. And! It comes with a handy dandy pole on which to hang your clothes that you need to steam because you never again have to iron (which I haven't done anyway in--oh, say--23 years or so, but still...). As if all that isn't enough, the pole slides down for easy storage. And all for just three easy payments of $33 each.

I'm tellin' ya what. If the payments would have been even numbers in multiples of 2 rather than 3 for $33, they woulda had me!

BWAHAAHAHAHAAHA!

Trying to Stay Calm! said...

~HAPPY NEW YEAR~ I signed up to follow your blog :) Have a beautiful Sunday! ♥ Hugs! Shauna

kim-d said...

OMG, ME!!! Wonder Hangars! They promise to revolutionize your closet and end the need for The Tobi because with the Wonder Hangars, your clothes won't get crushed and wrinkled. But we'll still be needing The Tobi due to the dust mite situation.

Gotta love boring Sundays, huh?

justlori2day said...

I am an as seen slut also. But maybe more of a prude, because I never show the money for any of it, but I dream of it all the time. My new latest obsession has been squashed because I read some bad reviews, but that is ok, because it is January now, and all kinds of new stuff will come out this year!

Under the Influence said...

Hey there! I left you a little something at my site.

~*amber*~ said...

MIL is the ultimate AS SEEN ON TV slut. She owns it ALL! We shut her credit cards down so I guess when she buys it now it is in cash. She has a whole garage full.

She liked the green bags, hated the puff maker, and so far, I haven't seen her come up with the sham-wow things, but I am sure she has them.

Odette said...

OOOOh the green bag! I want to know how that works!!!!! I am with you on the magic bullet! :)

Sue said...

I wonder at those commercials too! We always laugh at the "call now and we will throw in another..... so you will get 2 for 19.95!!!"
There is a store at our mall that has all "as seen on tv" things in it. You would think it was Heaven!!!!!!

knittergran said...

Hi-me again at the same post. Just wanted you to know that I linked to it in my post today.
Hope that's ok!

Reddirt Woman said...

I want to know if the Shamwow is worth it. With two mini-schnauzers I think if it works I need to get some for towels when I bath them. Even when they are cut short it seems to take two bath towels to dry them.

So I'd like a detailed report please and thank you.

Helen