We Interrupt This Presentation

Yup, we’re interrupting this broadcast of “The Origins of Mary Ellen” to bring you a commercial message. This message, however, differs from many you will hear or see, in that I AM NOT trying to sell you anything. I simply need a break from all the drama – even if the drama is mostly taking place inside my head. I'm exhausted and must think about something else for a while.

So I decided to tell you something you probably don’t know about me, and it has to do with commercials. And infomercials.

I am the original “As Seen on TV” slut. I am totally fascinated by many of the products that are sold through commercials or infomercials. I know, I KNOW. I’m not proud of it, but it’s time for me to step out of the closet. It’s safe here, right?

When I see some of those products demonstrated on TV, I wonder – even if it’s just for a minute – whether it would really make my life better. Would I be ever so much more beautiful with mineral make-up? Would my house be so much cleaner if I had a steam cleaner thingy or a carpet-sweeper that swivels 360 degrees? Would we really eat so much better meals if I had a famous-ex-boxer-grill or a weird-flat-sandwich-cooker or a bizarre-plastic-dome-that-cooks-roast-beef-and-brownies-at-the-same-time?

Now, before you get all worried that I’m sitting up at 3 in the morning with my credit card in hand, ordering crap from late-night television, I assure you that I’m not. Even before I became unemployed, I was always pretty careful about what I spent my money on, so I rarely buy this stuff.

I do, however, think about it, and I often try to convince other people to buy my current product obsession so that they can tell me all about it. When it comes right down to it, I just want to KNOW. Does it really work like that in real life? I was so excited when Hallie got a Ped Egg so she could tell me about it (it turns out it’s totally as disgusting as it looks on TV).

I did once purchase the Magic Bullet – which, if you’ve never seen the commercial, is a small counter-top blender, and where have you been hiding? – and I love it. It really does a crapload of little blending tasks, and only takes up the tiniest of counter space. Oh, and my younger son (the fitness nut) owns one of those gym things that hook into a door frame and allow you to do chin-ups for hours directly in the main path of the house until someone threatens to strangle you.

Other than that, I’ve mostly just been wondering. Until now.

Somebody loves me. Actually, several somebodies. This year, for Christmas, I received not ONE, not TWO, but THREE fabulous as-seen-on-TV products. Products I talked about at length, evidently. Who knew that if you bothered people enough, they would eventually buy you something to shut you up?

I am now the proud owner of:

Debbie Meyer Green Bags – food storage bags which promise to make all your fresh produce survive MUCH longer. I plan on picking strawberries in July and serving them at Thanksgiving.

The Pancake Puff Maker – a coated cast iron pan that makes any of a billion different yummy foods, and makes them perfectly ROUND. Round food, as we all know, has less calories (calories can't cling to the sides - they fall right off).

The Sham-Wow – Which is a cloth that soaks up 20 times its weight in spilled liquid and will reduce my dependency on paper towels. I can't wait to spill a two-liter on the rug - fun times.

I can’t wait to see if they really work. And, yes, for those of you who are wondering, this makes me weird and a little pathetic. But I don’t care. I’m going to make fresh fruit-filled round pancakes and wipe up any mess I make with my new miracle cloth. It’s going to be a great weekend.