Well, I went from can't-deal-with-even-thinking-about-it, to can't-wait-another-minute and back again over the last couple of days. Finally, the thought that my birth mother might be alive and well and living in a city nearby just got to me. I have to know.
Yesterday afternoon I went over to Hallie's house and we made the call. To be completely accurate, she made the call and I sat there with every nerve ending in my whole body screaming at the same time. And there was no answer.
We strategized a bit first about what she would say, and whether I would talk to her if she wanted me to get on the phone. I gave Hallie the information and the phone number, and she dialed. It seemed to ring forever - although it might have only been 4 or 5 times - and an answering machine picked up. Hallie left a message, giving her name and number and saying that she was trying to find a person with a maiden name of whatever, born in 1935, and was looking for information and would she please call back.
When she hung up, I stared at her. What did her message say? What did her voice sound like? For the first time, I wished I had been the one making the call. That way, I would have heard her voice. Hallie - bless her heart - repeated several times her description of the voice that she heard and what her answering machine message said.
Then we sat there for three hours and waited for the phone to ring. Every time it rang, my heart stopped, but it was never her. I kept asking Hallie - and John - why they thought she hadn't called back. We covered all the possibilities we could think of - she was call screening and was now freaking out, she was not the person we were looking for and thus didn't feel the need to call back, she was out playing Bingo or at the lady's auxiliary meeting, she had just left to spend the winter in Florida, she had been mugged and was tied up inside her house. John's opinion? She wasn't home. That man can definitely be the voice of reason. And he makes a kick-ass cheeseburger (which he stood outside at 10 degrees F to grill for us!)
I guess it doesn't matter why she didn't answer or call back. The bottom line is that we don't have any new information to report. If we don't hear back, we'll call again. And again. I guess at some point, if we have to keep leaving messages, I'll have to let her know why we're really calling and pray that she will at least talk to me briefly. She's the only one who can verify whether or not she is my birth mother, and, if she is my bio mother, she's the only one who knows who my birth father was.
I thought I was jittery before!?! I had no idea. I've been warned about the roller coaster of emotions, but I'm pretty sure I need some Dramamine, and maybe some other pharmaceuticals, too, if I plan to survive this ride.