Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Not a Hallmark moment

She called. Yesterday, late afternoon, she called Hallie and denied everything.

Hallie called me afterwards, and told me what she said. And I said, "she's lying."

Some of the details that she told Hallie did not jibe with facts that I have discovered through various records checks (marriage & death records, the obituary that I think is of my grandfather, and others). So I called her. I can't believe I did it, now that I think about it, but I just picked up the phone and called.

When she answered, I told her a little bit about what I was doing (searching for information) and she again denied everything. But when I pressed her on some of the facts, she got very flustered. EXTREMELY flustered. And suddenly remembered that she was late for an appointment. She said, "I just can't talk to you anymore about this right now" and then she was gone.

I think it's her. I really do. But she's obviously not ready to deal with me or the situation. To be fair, as several of you have pointed out (and as Hallie keeps saying), I've had a lot of time to prepare for this. I've been working towards this, waiting for this, dreaming and praying for this for a long, long time. She's had about 24 hours.

Still, I'm absolutely crushed. I'm trying not to be, and I feel stupid for being so hurt. I knew all along how this could go. But it's how I feel. I wasn't even going to post - Hallie said you all would understand - but you've been so amazingly supportive to me, and I wanted you to know what's going on.

I'm not going to give up, but I need some time to regroup and make a new plan. I feel really crappy, and I've got a migraine coming on - my first in over a year. Thanks for all the incredible comments. I appreciate each and every one of you more than you could ever know.

32 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I am so proud of you for making that second call.

I knew you were a strong woman but wow,did you just prove it.

Hang in there my friend. I'm here for whatever you need. (I can even hook you up with another cheeseburger if need be.) :)

H

Hallie

kim-d said...

It's going to be okay, Mary Ellen. It's just the beginning. As you said, she has only had 24 hours and there is a good chance that she's maybe gone through her whole life being "less than forthcoming" to people about her past. The times back then were so different from what they are now...

I am so proud of you for picking up that phone; talk about courage! Now that she has heard your voice...and the fact that you were named...well, this is just the beginning. She's not going to be able to let it go, I'm sure of it. After all, she DID return Hallie's phone call, even if she wasn't quite ready to be completely honest. I don't want to sound condescending, but I just really think this is one of those times when everything will happen when it should. Which does not necessarily match when WE think it should happen. Some things take time. So just hang in there, kiddo; the ball is rolling.

I say, we're here for you now and always, through anything. And take the cheezburger! :)

Laura ~Peach~ said...

Hallie and Kim are right of course and Since I can only talk about my experience...

my parents did not tell anyone other than my mothers parents who knew she was pregnant...

when I first met them they said everyone knew about me and that they had searched for me... BUT when I met my brothers and sisters and their mother and my mothers mother I found out there was a lot of lying happening with my parents.

Of course they both knew i was out there somewhere and (all this is learned YEARS after meeting them) but my mother NEVER wanted to know me or know where i was. She was curious but when I was not what she expected then she only delt with us and played along because my father made her...

when bud died 8-00 she saw us one time after that for christmas in 2000 and I met her in feb of 2001 for dinner she has NEVER spoken to me since. (working my brain here trying to make sure i have the years correct)

I honestly think had my father not pushed the issue she would have said no that she did not want the records opened and me to have acess to their information...

in the state of missouri closed records can be opened but ALL parties in the triad must give consent and if one does not then the records are never opened. A mediator handles all of that and I do think that policy is a good thing and helps to prevent someone being blindsided.

My parents had the time to think about it and talk it over before they sent in their papers... I will say they did not wait more than a day but again my mother was married to my father so they had talked to each other over the years about what to do in the situation of me searching.

I do think this woman is probably your mother and given time she may decide to talk to you. I hope she does for her sake as well as yours...

If I HAD to guess and I am only guessing here... I say her family has no clue about you and she is facing the delima of how to tell them and if to tell them and when to tell them and she is having to deal with the reality of there you are...

just like you and I as adoptees have thought and imagined and wondered and guessed over the years of our lives so have our birth mothers ... they spend all of our lives telling themselves things about their child, good things to be able to continue functioning( birth mothers have told me this) and when that call comes and they are faced with the reality it is a shock to find that we as human beings are not exactly who and what they imagined... so just as we have to step into this with no expectations
so do they but, they dont always have the ability to talk to anyone about it as we are the biggest secret of their lives and sometimes letting the skeletons out of the closet is just not so easy.

anyway try not to let this phase get you down and ALWAYS post what you are thinking and feeling and do it for YOU this is your journal (very like the one I kept) but much better because you get feedback and that is PRICELESS... you should read the rambeling ranting craziness of my journals from when I was searching and even for the first year or so after meeting them.

Hugs and hang in there this is just another chapeter in the book of Mary Ellen and it is a great book.

Under the Influence said...

I am sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted. There's really nothing I can offer that the others haven't. Give her time, she has spent her entire life trying to cope with her decision and now she will need some time to deal with it all coming to the forefront. I'll say some prayers that it works out well for both of you!

MaBunny said...

Take a break and do this fun and very easy tag...

MaBunny said...

Take a break and do this fun and very easy tag...

Sue said...

How disappointing and frustrating for you! But, damn girl, you made a call yourself and challenged her!!!! That's awesome!
I don't blame you for having a migraine after all this! It's your body telling you, you need a little quiet time and sleep!
Let your birth mom squirm and wonder and think and think for awhile. I am sure she will come around. Your book (story) will have a happy ending!

MaBunny said...

You are right in the fact that you've had longer to digest this info and get ready than she had. HOWEVER, if she followed any kind of news or anything, and knew that records were going to be available, didn't she know, just a little inkling, that she may get a call like that?
/hugz to you thru the miles and prayers too.

claudia said...

Good for you making that call.
It may not have turned outthe way you wanted, but you opened a door and that door may open a little more given some time.
In the meantime, you take care of yourself and get rid of that migraine.
Deep cleansing breath....

Liz said...

Hugs to you... that has to be hard. You are telling yourself the right things- she needs some time to take it all in. But that doesn't mean that you are any less hurt that she didn't immediately admit to it and you guys end up with a talk show moment... Since you have her address, maybe you can write her a letter. Just saying that you aren't wanting anything from her except maybe a chance to meet one time and have some questions answered... at the very least, get some family medical history. And to thank her for making the decision she did because you grew up in a home full of love and with parents who supported you and loved you.

She might be worried that you are angry with her. Or that you want something from her. Who knows what is going on with her at this point...

Midwest Mommy said...

I am so happy that you did make the call. Maybe if she has time to process everything and think it over she will come around. My grandpa's deceased sister had a baby that no one knew about til almost 50 years later after her death. My grandpa found the daughter and contacted her through catholic charities. She wasn't ready to meet them for over 2 years and then it was by phone only. She finally came to visit 5 years later. I think she may just need time. Good luck and I will be praying for you.

Joanie said...

I think you're very brave for makingt he call. She may come around, once she's had some tme to wrap her head around it. She's heard your voice, she KNOWS you're her daughter. Ihope she calls yu back.

And Laura~Peach, if your birth parents married and stayed together and had more children, did you find out why they gave you up for adoption? That's very unusual, I'd think.

Corrine said...

Man, not what I/we were hoping for you.
I am proud of you for calling. I hope she comes around!

Paintball Dude said...

This is my sons account- so you can call me Paintball Dudes Mom! I don't usually leave comments, but I have been following your blog from the beginning. As a mom of two adopted daughters (5 & 6 yrs. old )I have followed your posts with an open heart,as a way to try to understand what my girls may go through some day.

Thank you for sharing your intimate experience with us. You are in my prayers!

Mark Twain wrote:

" Twenty years from now you may be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. "
~ Mark Twain

No matter the outcome- you will be glad you did this! Be strong!
~Michelle~

justlori2day said...

Obviously you feel the love here don't you? We are all so proud of you! (Hallie, you rock for making the initial call, and being a great shoulder for Mary Ellen to lean on! We all need friends like you!)

I think I said this the other day, and I am sure someone else here said it too... If it was a married man she had an affair with, there is such a huge chance that no one knows that she was ever pregnant (other than him and maybe her parents - but I think you said they were both gone). If that is the case, she has had a big secret locked up inside of her for so long she may have talked herself out of believing it ever happened.

Give her time. Give yourself time. You have talked to her, and you feel it in your gut that it is her. Prepared or not for a let down, this cannot in any way be easy. But DON'T beat yourself up. Because you have done everything you can, its now in her court. Give her time and then try her again, you never know...

In the meantime, we are all here, and we all love you and would GLADLY take you into our families as one of our own! I always wanted a sister!

for a different kind of girl said...

I don't think it's wrong of you to feel crushed by this. I think feeling that way is absolutely understandable. I also hope that, if it is her, she uses the time now to really think about things, or find the order in her life she needs to before reaching out to you this time.

Hugs to you.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

Hey I had to come back and read comments and LIZ is 1000000% correct I totally agree with her and totally think a letter woudl be a great idea... only copy it to keep for yourself that is one regret that i have... not having a copy of the letter i sent to my bios.
love n hugs LAura

Becca said...

oh sweetie I am sorry and I would feel exactly the same way I think.

Why don't you write her a letter, tell her what you do and don;t want or expect from her to set her mind at ease, ask her to write you back, maybe that distance will help her deal?

She likely hasn't told the important people in her life about you...

Andrew Scott Turner said...

You have a mother and a father, both of whom made you their own in every sense of the word.

You were loved and it shows in the type of person you became.

You move forward from here by knowing that a single person's apparent rejection of you dulls in comparison to the brilliance shone by the love for and acceptance of you by your true friends and family.

Sarah Laurence said...

I’m so sorry you had to go through that after all this time an build up. It must have taken guts to call her back. I went back and read the posts leading up to this one and share your disappointment. I’m sure you’re right about the woman needing time to process this.

You are brave and strong and clearly have good friends and family. I get the feeling that if she knew you, she’d need you more than you need her. There’s obviously lots of history here.

Perhaps a letter with photos would be easier for her to process. She may come around or she may not. At least you know now.

Odette said...

Wow you are one of the bravest people that I know. I can't help but be angry for you! I don't know why but that is the sentiment that I got while I was reading your post. I am so impressed that you challenged her! Way to follow your instincts.

I agree with Kim that your Mom probably has been hiding certain aspects of her past, but I am less sympathetic to her because she must have known that the records were becoming available. (Good call Mabunny!)

Honestly if she is smart she will come to her senses because you are more than worth knowing. There is nothing that a mother could have wanted more in a daughter than a funny, caring and warm person and that's what you are. Don't be hard on yourself. I don't think that you give yourself enough credit for what you are doing! Give yourself a break. You deserve it!

Tonjia said...

(((((((((((Mary Ellen)))))))))) I know you were prepared for anything but nothing can prepare you for this. I have a feeling that she will think about this and contact you again. I would.

you are the bravest person that I have every seen.

In the meantime, just know that we are all here for you. And go get that cheeseburger!

kim-d said...

Hey you...I just had to come back and let you know I'm thinking of you.

You know what I absolutely love? I love that, in the short time you've been blogging, you already have this whole, large group of people who would ALL gladly go trooping over to that woman's house and have a "chat" with her on your behalf. All you would have to do is say the word. Which is a long-winded way of saying, we all just loooooove ya, ME.

I said it before, but I'll say it again. It's just the beginning.

knittergran said...

Wow. I am so sorry. But I think you're right about the little time she had had to prepare. I agree with Becca about the letter. Also, if she gets to know you in writing, how your life has been just fine, how you are happily married and have children, she may not feel threatened or afraid.
You are really brave. I'm not sure I could have called.

Robin said...

you are so brave and i'm so proud of you.

i'm not sure by your wording if you made it clear to her who you are or if she could possibly think that "someone" is trying get information and so far two different people have called her. i don't know old she is, how much, if anything, she has told her husband, children, family of you. you don't know, none of us do.

but you do deserve some answers. i like the idea of a letter. i'd think a straightforward approach: this is who i am, this is what i need to know, this is what i'd LIKE to know, and by the way, thanks for giving me the best parents i could ever have. maybe she'd feel less threatened that way?

ah who knows. me, i still want to go knocking on her door...

look at you with all the comments and love! this woman has NO IDEA what she's been missing out on....you!

thank you for keeping us all posted...we are living this with you (as much as we can)

(((( )))))

kimmy said...

Hang in there Mary Ellen...I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you...

Kimmy

AirmanMom said...

ME...my prayers are lifted for you!

~AirmanMom returning to her blog...

kim-d said...

Still here; still thinking about you; still just lovin' ya!

Also, wanted to let you know that the oh-so-hot Kyle Chandler has moved to Maine! No matter what else is going on, you must keep your eye peeled for him! Additionally, he's a fan of the Green Bags...is he awesome or what? And! And! He loves me, too! He sent me an autographed picture--along with one of those awesome Green Bags--and signed it "Love." Is that not AWESOME? I think it's so cool that he lives in Maine...

BWAHAHAHA!

Manette said...

Everything that could be said has been said by a wonderful group of people who stand behind you 100%. So with that, I'm just going to send you a great big cyber hug and will keep you in my thoughts during this tumultuous time!

Lynn said...

Brave of you to just dive right in and call and understanding her reaction, even while being crushed and upset with it. You are a wonderful person...I pray for the vey best outcome for you LOL !

American in Norway said...

Oh Gosh... I am so sorry... I can only imagine how upset you are right now...sorry I have been MIA

Vegas Princess said...

I am so sorry this did not turn out well. But it is expected she would not be anxious to jump right in and say "Yes, it's me!" Like you said, you have had time to prepare, she had a day. And this proabbly came right out the blue for her. She probably does not even know anything about the law that was changed or how people can now find their birth parents. So it is natural for her to be a bit shocked and put off. But she could have handled it a bit better. Perhaps said "I need some more time with this," and not brushed you off and lied. That is what angers me for you the most. At least be honest with you and herself. However, I do think she will come around. And we will all be here for you so you will have tons of support when that time comes. We love you Mary Ellen!